This entry is inspired by a conversation I had with my nephews Nico, Royroy and Loyloy last week. I hope mothers with young children will learn something from this.

     Did you ever remember a time when your parents (and/or significant adults in your life) did something to you that you did not like, and you told yourself, "When I become a parent, I will never do this to my children."? 

    If I had a dollar for all the times I had said those words, and deposited it in the bank, I would be a millionaire many times over by now.

     Growing up in a strict (and disciplinarian) clan, it was easy to find things that I felt, as a young girl, should not have been done to children. We lived in an almost one hectare family compound and the number of adults who scolded me when I "messed up" included parents,  grand parents, aunties, grand aunties and some of the helpers. I collectively call them "elders" (different from the "Council of Elders" which refers to my grandmother and her sisters).  They were a threatening bunch from the eyes of a  little girl. 

     I suppose my siblings felt the same way too, but I am only speaking from my perspective. I saw the "elders" as adults who did not have seconds thoughts about criticizing, scolding and striking at a child. Even then I had asked myself, "What right do they have to treat children that way?". In fairness, they also taught me very important positive life lessons which I will write about in another entry.

     As a young adult with a degree in Psychology, I started to understand the reason behind the behavior of the "elders". I did the healing work required so that the cycle of criticism and "put downs" would not be passed on to the next generation. I would like to think that I don't treat my nephews and nieces in the same way that I was treated by the "elders". Still, I am so painfully aware that I have "slipped" on more than one occassion. 

     I remember how one woman said, "I hate myself because the things I hated about my parents, I am doing to my children".

     It takes a lot of effort to liberate oneself from the negative experiences, beliefs, superstitions, and ways that we were brought up with. They are embeded in the subconscious mind. They are part of who we are and, unless we make a conscious effort to work on ourselves, they will be our legacy to the next generation. They will have a way of showing up specially during times of stress.

    For instance, growing up, I was often scolded for sitting down idle and doing nothing (no, they did not know that I was doing something in my inner world of thoughts and ideas). I would be told to get my rear end off the chair and do some household chores or to sweep the leaves outside.  I hated it when the elders did that....and yet, I have done the same to my nephews and nieces. I may not have said it as harshly as the elders did, but I was just as guilty.

     I believe that the only way to avoid handing down this negative pattern to the next generation is to try and understand where, how and why this has come to be.

     As Louise Hay would say, "We are all victims of victims." They were only "passing on" what they themselves have gone through because they did not know any other way of behaving. When we understand this we can stop the blame, choose to forgive, be healed and, with grace, stop carrying on the pattern of criticism, put downs and rejection.

    The next generation does not need to go through the rejection and pain we went through. When we heal our hearts, the next generation and the one after that will be healed as well.

     So next time you catch yourself doing to your children what you said you would never do, think "Oh oh, I have some elder work to do again.".

 (my generation)

(the next generation)